disabstracted

Feeling kinda funky.

2008-07-10T22:42:41Z

Have you ever felt that everything is going your way, but knowing it's not going to stay that way, you're wary?

That's how I'm feeling.

I'm feeling amazing--like nothing can bring me down--but I can still get sad sometimes. Does that make any sense?

But I'm getting better. I was able to have a party (me? a PARTY?) and not freak out, and I haven't been nearly as depressed. I guess it helps being treated for the right thing.

I love all of you guys. Have I ever mentioned that?

Two steps forward, one step back.

2008-06-20T00:20:15Z

You know that funny feeling when you haven't done anything, but you're exhausted? I'm feeling that right about now. In fact, I've been feeling that a lot. But whatevs.

Not a lot has been going on, congrats to everyone for finishing school. :) I still have to finish all my work, which now consists of four chapters of history, three chapters of math, the pre-calc final, and my junior thesis (still haven't finished it...oops).

Random thoughts:
I want to get a group together to go to Walden.
I hate medication.
I never want to get my wisdom teeth taken out.
I'm thinking of going to a boarding school, if I don't go back to Bel High.
Bleeeeeeeeeeh.

Anyways. I don't know why, but I seem to be getting worse. Or maybe it's the idea two steps forward one step back. It's like getting better is a dance---some weird dance that has no music, unknown steps, and you have to dance it blind.

Yet I move on. And what, it's a little over seven months since this all started? I've made it through the hardest, so I can make it further, right?

But what if I don't want to?

...we're not going to address that question.

A few things about me...

2008-06-12T14:05:01Z

As I was waiting for my dad to get his lazy ass to come pick me up (he's an hour late), I thought I might write some interesting things about me.

I move to the other side of the street when I see a person walking on the same side.
I like being aggressive, but I hate aggressive people.
I don't like wallets, so I keep my money crunched up in my back pocket.
I want to dye my hair chocolate brown. That, or perm it.
My favorite flower is the dahlia because the only contest I've even won was one where I received 100 dahlias as the prize.
I like art and photography because I like to skew my surroundings.
I like scrambled eggs, but I hate eggs otherwise.
I love chaos; but I want everything to be neat, orderly chaos.
My favorite color is the color blood gets when it's dried. (not the icky brown kind, though.)
I hate being different than other people. I'd love it if every person was the same. That's not to say that I don't like diversity, though.
I think cooking shows are stupid.

I can't think of anything else, and my dad still isn't here. Gugh.

Weiiiiiirrrrd dreams.

2008-06-11T12:40:55Z

For some reason, I had the oddest dreams last night.

1:
I was standing on a field with fifteen other people, and we were all looking at this big fence. We all had to get to the other side of the fence, but no one wanted to climb it. I (expect it wasn't me--I was watching this person as if I were an angel) dismissed everyone's laziness and climbed over the fence, urging the rest to climb over the fence. As soon as I took a step ahead, I saw a barking dog bounding towards me from across the field. I started to climb the fence, but it seemed even taller than before. The dog pulled me down and ate me alive.

2: Same dream as before, but I'm not an angel-like creature anymore and I don't decide to climb the fence. I am shooting the breeze with a red-headed guy (who is cute, to boot), and decide to kiss him. Then we started making out-- but I woke up 'cause my "red-headed guy" tasted like pillow. (heh)

3: Like the first dream, except the red-headed guy climbs over the fence with me, and we catch the dog and muzzle it. We then get everyone else to climb over the fence and we walk on. (to somewhere...I don't remember)

4: I was an eight year old, and with a few other girls my age. We found a secret passageway behind a 10ft folding screen, and we decided to see what was in the passageway. As we climbed through the passageway (which was covered in duct-tape), we aged eight years until we reached a giant cavern. There was an illegible sign, and a table. We went over to the table, and a pirate came out, telling us that we had to play a game. I was chosen to play, so I rolled the die and won 32 gold pieces. Then I don't know what happened, but I had to give up my money to a humpback whale as sacrifice. A bit non sequitur...

Whacky dreams, huh? I don't want to go to tutoring today...I've just been wicked depressed lately and don't want to do much of anything. But I know I should...so if you're studying for a final and want someone to hold your notecards or something, please call me. I have nothing else to do, and I'd love to spend time with you. :)

AUGH!

2008-06-09T14:15:54Z

Even though it's all nice outside, and everything seems so pleasant, my house is going crazy. May have something to do that Cody hasn't had his ADHD meds in what, four days? Oh, and Kalyn just got her wisdom teeth pulled out. So the house is a bit insane. Graduation was yesterday, and that was fun, (albeit hot) and then we went out for thai food. Which wasn't as good as Tantawan, but that's OK.
It's just that I'm so frustrated with everyone and everything right now. I don't know why I'm so on edge, but it seems that all I'm doing is yelling. It's annoying 'cause I don't want to yell, but if someone does something that bugs me, I snap.
Oh, that and moodswings. But I'm not nearly as bad as before, which is good. :)

Haven't posted in a bit.

2008-06-06T00:59:32Z

Not a lot going on.

It's kinda weird, not being in school. Everyone has all these stories and times together, and I'm just working with a tutor. Lah-dee-dah.

The moodswings are back. It's a little dangerous, actually. It's like playing with fire, I suppose. Sometimes it's just hard to find water to put it out...

Oh, and sorry if any of you have been calling me and I haven't replied. When I'm feeling down, I don't feel like doing anything or even picking up a phone. (Sorry Stuntz.)

Anyway, I'm exhausted and I'm going to bed. Yes, it's 9PM. But it's one of those nights.

I hate the SATs.

2008-06-01T17:20:08Z

Really, the SATs shouldn't matter. And they def shouldn't be made up to be so important. Every time I take one of these stupid practices tests, I always feel worthless. So I'm not going to get kickass scores. Well, so what? (so I feel like shit, that's what)

I really shouldn't let small things get me down, but they do. It's a lot easier to say "that's stupid, they're just numbers", than to actually believe that they don't really matter.

I mean, I have pretty good grades, and my essay is going to be decent, but my parents are expecting me to pop all 700's on the SATs, whereas my practice tests are middle to low 600's. Which kinda sucks, really.

But seriously, how much can you learn from a class? I've tried before, and my scores have stayed the same. So basically, I'm screwed. Yup.

Arguing

2008-05-31T23:18:23Z

dotcalpharo/n/ y--u, dotalpharalphan alphai7 ro/6o/ccalpha.
Today has been a pretty weird day, and I don't know really how to talk about it. Not that I have to, but it's really a way for me to vent. I suppose.

I woke up in a pretty good mood, y'know, just generally in a happy place. But throughout the day, things have been getting a little harder. Especially with my parents arguing.

Sarah, Katharine and Rebecca moved out of the house earlier this month, and it's really been hard because it has drawn up feelings of my parent's divorce 10 years ago. There's so much negativity in the house, and I feel as if Katharine and my Dad are going to get divorced sometime soon. (which is sad, because they only married in September)

Both of them want the kids to take sides, which is painful--but I feel like I must take my dad's side, him being my father and all. The biggest deal in my house is the issue sharing, because both families (even though we're technically one family) are trying to share Katharine. Or really, we're not even "allowed" to share her, either.

As I said, today has been a pretty weird day.

Painting. :)

2008-05-30T20:34:22Z

So I'm currently covered in acrylic paint. It's kinda fun, actually. There was this one time where I had been painting all day and used my leg as something to wipe the excess paint off. I went shopping later that night, and someone thought I had a huge bleeding gash on my leg, but it was just the paint. Oops.
It's really nice not to be in school. I know I'll have to go back at some point next year, (and that scares me shitless) but I know I'll be fine. Working a tutor is kinda fun, but also immensely boring. I keep on running out of work, so we just sit there and stare at eachother. It's kinda funny.

<3

What to say?

2008-05-29T18:13:03Z

At my dad's office, just sitting. I've done about 60 pages of history notes today, so I'm pretty much petered out. Also, I've given up on studying for the SATs. I will get what I get. Although maybe a bit more studying for math couldn't help...ah, well.

I'm feeling kindof weird right now. I'm content, surely--but I feel like something is off. Ehh, I'm probably misjudging because I've done too much notetaking. My hand is shaking I wrote so much.

Here's a cute little secret for you: I still play on Runescape. Yeah, I know. WoW is better. But WoW is too expensive, and Runescape is just some mindless game I can play when I'm bored. Like right now, for instance. I'm fishing for swordfish.

Actually, I've figured out how I'm feeling---BLEEEEEEEEEEEH. (articulate, huh?)

A college student? Nahh...

2008-05-29T00:02:34Z

It seems that everywhere I go people think that I'm older than I am.
Examples:
The kids at the hospital thought I was a counselor until they saw me in my PJ's.
Some man I met waiting for the bus asked me for my number, until I told him I was sixteen.

The bus driver hit on me today. Eek.

Anyway, I've had a pretty decent day. Besides the fact I got hardly any studying done today, but ah well.

G'mornin

2008-05-28T11:52:00Z

This is the time of morning and year where you look outside and think, "Wow, the earth is pretty." Unless of course you're a night owl. Or you live in Gary, Indiana. ('cause isn't that the most polluted city in the US? Or am I mixing my facts up with the song from Music Man?)

But the sun is out, birds are chirping, there's no brown snow by the curbs, and it's not hot enough to make you sweat.

Now only if school were over. THEN it would be perfect. Lucky seniors.

Giggles at the face of insanity

2008-05-28T00:47:55Z

It's scary to face insanity. With its eyes rolling and tongue lolling, its terrible smirk covering a thousand teeth-- you don't know what you're feeling. It's not that I'm insane--I'm clearly not--but sometimes I sit and wonder, "What is wrong with me?" It's like all my logical thoughts have been scrambled, so now I think that all my friends hate me, and everyone else doesn't give a shit whether I live or die. Now, I know this isn't true, but my mind won't allow me to actually feel this isn't true. It's almost like there's a chunk missing of my brain. I imagine the neurological scans now--
Doctor: "...and here are the images of your brain back from the lab..."
Me: "I think there is something wrong..."
Doctor: "Oh dear Lord. There's a chunk missing of your cerebral cortex! WE MUST OPERATE!"

...OK. So maybe that's not quite how it would go.

La-dee-dah.

2008-05-27T18:24:33Z

10 days left to study for the SAT...and I just started yesterday. It's kinda like stuffing a sleeping back into a defective bag. It doesn't work so well.
But I'll get it. I'm aiming to beat Kalyn's scores. I would have aimed to beat Winston's scores just to feel superior, but I don't think that's going to happen (though if it were possible to score a 2401, I so would). And if I don't pop above 600 in all three categories (and get at least one 700 or above), I'll retake it. No big deal.

Anyway, sitting in an English Garden--wait, that's a Beatles song. I'm actually sitting in my dad's office working on SAT work and history notes from term 3. (can I get a collective "uggh?")

I also got my blood drawn this morning, but I didn't faint this time. So whoop-dee-doo.

I should get back to SAT prep. Wish me luck. Or give me some advil. Either one.

Mornings.

2008-05-27T11:43:00Z

Mornings are crazy in my household. People running about, mom yelling at the boys to get ready quicker, all of us yelling at Cody to shut up, rushing to get food...
sometimes I wish I didn't have so many siblings.

Eeek/uggh = Eeeuughhkk.

2008-05-27T01:09:26Z

I have so much work to catch up with for school...
-all the math chapters + tests
-english essay (?)
-all the history chapters + tests since quarter 3
-junior thesis

plus, the SAT is in a little more than a week, and the practice test I took came out shittily. Yeah, everyone else is still in school and I shouldn't be complaining, but I have a LOT to do.

Eeekuuggh. But on top of all I have to do, I feel OK.

Musings

2008-05-25T18:37:59Z

I think that somehow sunlight makes me depressed. Or maybe it's just being awake.

...not the greatest feeling.

YOU KNOW WHAT?!

2008-05-24T23:23:15Z

I shouldnt give a flying fuck that they are both going to Harvard. May they rot there, along with all of the other high-achieving geniuses.

Did I mention I am still sore about a little something?

Anyways. I have been sitting in my house all day waiting for people to call me, meanwhile while calling others and everyone is busy. Doesnt make one feel the greatest.

SO. A little down.

Hypomanic

2008-05-24T15:45:12Z

Feeling kinda weird right now, like there's an alien inside of me that won't leave, but comes out and peeks its head every once and a while. I feel as if there's something wrong with me that I can't fix, or will take a very long time to understand. I feel alone like no other, I feel grumpy, and angry--I feel just off.

On top of all that, my mind is racing like crazy and I think I'm hypomanic at the moment because I can't sit still.

In fact, only one word describes all of this: "FUCK!"

Exhaustion.

2008-05-24T01:41:06Z

Ever have one of those days where you've neared the end and you're absolutely exhausted?
This is one of those days.

I just got back from a dinner with the neighbors, and phew, am I tired! It's only 9:40PM and I'm going to bed as soon as I get upstairs.

I'm still deeply contradicted--do I go with what my brain tells me to do, or do I go with what my gut wants me to do? Even though the brain is saying "no fucking way", my gut is just saying "yes" repeatedly. So which polar opposite do I listen to? There is no middle ground.

I was sittin' waitin' wishing...

2008-05-22T16:28:36Z

That Jack Johnson song is stuck in my head. It's a bit frustrating...maybe because I am sitting and waiting at the moment. I haven't had lunch yet, and my dad is still in his Bolivia meeting. But I don't want to go without him. Must I resort to eating leftover Pringles instead?

...yup. Polished off the entire Pringles container. That's a bit disguisting.

Not a lot is going on, apparently I will be returning to BHS next year. That scares me to no end, but hopefully I'll be strong enough by then to be able to handle it. Who knows?

I wish I could look into the future. Though it might be a little freaky at times, I'd be able to make amendments to my time so that I would be prepared for upcoming events. LIKE TEST DATES. Man, that would be pretty cool. Even better if I could fly, too. If you could have any two super powers, what would you have?

Eek.

2008-05-22T00:04:38Z

Tired. How are you? Not that you can answer, but it's nice to ask.

My day was fine, I hung out with me padre all today, which was nice. I also got all my work that I have to finish from the school, and that was not so nice. But you can't have it all, can you?

What does one do, go with one's gut, or with one's head? I can't really decide which one to follow.

Stomach growling.

2008-05-20T16:28:11Z

I would now say that I do my absolute worst thinking on an empty stomach. I've been sitting at the computer for an hour and a half trying to write the answer to an English prompt, but have absolutely failed. I have a grand-slam of two sentences: "Although most love stories are characterized as a pleasant, guy-gets-the-girl tale, Ernest Hemingway’s novel 'The Sun Also Rises' is a different type of love story. Set soon after World War I, Hemingway’s novel narrates the life of young veteran Jake and his adventures around Europe. "

Go Kelsey, go.

So it turns out I most likely am going to return to BHS next year, which when I think about it, isn't too bad if I'm only taking Latin, art, and chorus. But who knows. It's just that I'm done being there. I don't feel like myself at BHS, and though I'm still figuring out who I am, I don't want to return to feeling like I have no self. It's natural that one wants to like oneself, right? I want to like myself, and being at Bel High makes me feel as if I am insignificant. A speck. A nobody, a nothing. Although I know this isn't true, it's hard for someone such as myself (that is, a being without any sort of self-confidence) to thrive, or even be in such an environment.

Well, it's high school and it's supposed to suck, right? Right.

Besides, I'd only deeply miss four people at BHS: Abby, Myles, Seth, and Mr. Dunn. Most of the rest I could like without seeing for a good twenty years, and then saying "Oh! Hello! You were in my math class! How has life been treating you?"

Whatever. :)

Blurrple.

2008-05-19T20:27:23Z

So I'm just sitting at my dad's office waiting for him to come back from a meeting with the lawyer. I'm a little scared.

I really want to go to Beacon School. I don't care if it could be filled with lice, herpes, or rats-- I need to get out of the toxic environment of Belmont. Now all I have to do is wait for the request to go through, the legal battle to occur, the application process to start, and wait, oh yeah--summer.

I am absolutely pumped for summer. You could not find a happier Kelsey when it does come. Though my time right now is kinda/sorta like summer in itself, somehow there's a part of me that believes that summer will heal all my wounds. Summer equals Walden Pond, equals Ossipee Lake, equals Alaska, or camping trips, or anything and everything-- summer is where I can finally, *finally*, relax again.

Sure, I have a lot to make up. I still haven't written my thesis. But I am capable and I am going to get through this, goddammit.

I am not letting my SI take hold of me again.

What is this?

2008-05-18T18:30:42Z

It's nice and all to feel better, but MAN, am I bored.

So far my day has consisted of Starbucks in the morning and a shower...otherwise lazing about and checking my email like a computer fiend. I need more structure in my days this week.

All right. So here's something interactive I can do:
What's your most embarrassing moment? Yes, I'm going to tell you mine...
so there was this really cute guy, and I was talking to him and all was going fine until I sneezed. There was a huge booger hanging from my nose, and a cute guy in front of me. Not a good combination.

Oh, and here is an update of Stacatto the kitten: